February tenth 'eleven

So not a whole lot has been going on. We had benchmarks earlier this week in school which sucked - thank God they're over! I got a 98 on my world history test which I'm SO excited about! I worked hard for that, my tests are NOT easy. At all. It's like, unheard of to get a grade that high. But anyways. I chose my classes for next year and really hope that I get the ones I want. <3 I can't believe I'm going to be a junior. It's like my life is just flashing before my eyes. I feel like just yesterday I was in kindergarten with our naps, stations and juice boxes. :') This weekend is probably going to be pretty boring for me. Most of my friends are busy... So I guess I'm just chillin' with the family. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Plus I have some chemistry homework to finish up and I need to finish re-reading Les Miserables  for English on Monday, to make sure I understand it so I can get a good grade on the final reading check. I hated the book at first, but now I really like it. 

I'm also almost 12 weeks pregnant now! It's kind of crazy how fast it's gone. I mean, I was only 5 weeks when I found out. The morning sickness kind of came and went quickly, and I'm feeling less tired all the time, but I'm still super bloated. Which won't get any better. I'm not really showing yet, but I just look more filled out I guess you can say.

Doctor's appointment!

So today I had a doctor's appointment. :)

Everything is going normally, the doctor gave me better prenatals, and things are good. And I got to hear the heartbeat! It was the first time I felt any sort of connection with the baby. I was just laying there and when I heard it, I just thought, you know... Wow. This is my baby, I created it, it's living inside of me. It was just an extremely unreal, unexplainable feeling. And it made me feel more excited. :)

Life as we know it.

Man, is mine going to change. Sometimes it's all I can think about, others it's the farthest from my mind.

I'm still doing badly in English, which is really really worrying me. I neeeeeed to bring that grade up but my teacher is not making it ANY easier for anyone! Tons of people are failing, so obviously it's not just me. :/

It may snow this Friday! I really really hope it does, I'd be SO dang excited! Although I bet they wouldn't let us out of school, haha. Of course, sitting in a classroom dreaming of snow while snowflakes fall for once in a lifetime outside. :l Sigh. I really hope it snows!

I have a boyfriend. I know it may seem strange or wrong or whatever, but I'm not passing him up just because I'm pregnant. His name is Dimitri, and we got together January 26th, 2011. We're taking it extremely slow and he knows that my first priority is the baby. He's been amazing through all of this, and I'm hoping that things will really be good between us in time. I've been so blessed with my amazing family and friends to support me through all of this<3 Carolina is coming to visit this weekend from college, so I'm excited about that! I've missed her. I really really miss John though, I can't wait for him to be able to come back<3
In pregnancy news, I'm 10 weeks. BBC says it's the size of a kumquat, about an inch long. Vital organs are beginning to function, it can bend it's limbs, and the yolk sack is starting to go away. As for me, I'm SO bloated all the time and my pants still fit but they're pretty uncomfortable. Morning sickness has also set in, so that really sucks! I've just been eating saltine crackers and drinking lots of water and that seems to help somewhat. I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday so hopefully I'll be able to hear the heartbeat. :)
Well that's all for now! It's 11pm and I have school tomorrow, so I need to get off. We're supposed to have severe weather tomorrow which is exciting!

School, school, school.

It's not all that great! I'm trying to get amazing grades this semester, and so far kind of good? I have a 98 in Spanish(got a 95 on my test today as well), got a 91 on my Chem test. But I'm slacking in English. And kind of in World History, too. The home reading just kills me. But I know I've GOT to start doing it. And I also need to read through Cosette in Les Mis before Monday. :l Luckily it's starting to get more interesting. Otherwise, school is going fairly well. It just kind of drags on at points and goes real quick at others. And who ever knew sitting in a desk all day could be so tiring? I guess only when you're pregnant...

Speaking of which. I'm 8 weeks now. According to BabyCenter, there's fingers and toes, eyelids, and the brain is forming. It's the size of a kidney bean. As for me, my boobs are pretty sore. :/I've also been REALLY tired even when I sleep decently, and I get kind of nauseous at certain random smells. And sometimes I just get mini-cravings. Not really a "I GOTTA HAVE IT!" thing, but more of a "Man, that just sounds good" thing. I've also decided I'm keeping the baby. For sure.

I haven't looked at names yet, but there are some that have been floating around in my head. I like Kiara, Sophia, Capri, Meredith and Delilah for girls, and for boys, Bentley, Cash, Lyndon, Gavin and Xander. But those have just been some names running through my head. It's not a serious list or anything.

First day back!

Well today was my first day back from break. It was a long dayyyyy. My schedule is the same except that I'm not in speech anymore since it's only a half class. I'm in health and I want to get out because it's not required anymore and I don't even know why I'm in it in the first place. So hopefully I can get a schedule change. I just don't know what class I want to take! Sighhh. But anyways!
My chemistry and geometry classes are SO different (lots of kids are in there that weren't before) and I'm not really understanding anything in chemistry... Blah. :/
I'm having a GIANT sweet tooth right now, but we don't really have any sweets in this dang house. :l Sighhh.
I woke up today at like, 5:15, 15 minutes before my alarm went off and was wide awake, which is surprising because I couldn't fall asleep until 1:30! But throughout the day, I've just gotten more and more tired. I need to start on my homework because I NEED to get good grades this semester.
And my brother has a basketball game tonight which I kind of don't want to go to since I'm so tired, but I am anyways.
Not a whole lot to write about, lately. I'm thinking that I might want to keep the baby... I still have a long time left (I'm 6 weeks 3 days) to decide and I'm still looking into adoption, but I just think that this is what I want to do. I mean, I don't really want to be a mom at 15, but I think that's the one option that is seeming like the best for me right now.

Los Años Viejos

This is a Hispanic tradition of burning dolls at midnight to burn away all the bad things that happened in the past year.
My family has altered it a bit, burning small paper dolls we make and writing all of our regrets, things that made us sad this year, etc.
As I wrote on my doll, I thought of the obvious: Getting pregnant at 15. But as I started writing things, more and more came out until my doll was completely filled up.
Sometimes, you don't even realize all the mistakes and things you've done that you regret until you really take some time to think about it.
I regret;
Not following through. Criticizing myself for my weight, my looks - when I really don't need to. Being jealous. Not working hard enough on my grades. Not believing in myself. Dishing things that I can't take. Lies. Death. All those shoulda-coulda-wouldas. Over-thinking things. Not trusting people I should trust. Chances missed, and forgotten promises. The end to our football season. Saying things to him that I know aren't true. Losing faith and not trusting fully in God when I know I should. Doubts.

And so by recognizing all these things I wish would have happened differently in 2010, I am fully committed to changing that so that I don't have these same regrets this time next year.

2011's resolutions;
1. Eat healthier and exercise more - just to become healthier - I don't really need to lose weight or anything.
2. Work hard with grades. I really really need to do that.
3. To make the right choice as a mother - whether that be to keep this baby and raise it or to give it to a family that will give it everything it ever wanted.
4. Reach out to others and be that person that everyone can come to for help.
5. Make time for God every day. I always say I will, but I don't end up actually doing it. I need to take time every day to walk and talk with God.

Hopefully this year will be the best. I know it definitely won't be the easiest, but I think that with some hard work and a little bit of luck, it can still be great.

The Beginning.

I guess I'll begin by telling you about myself. My name is Scarlett Avalyn K. I'm fifteen years old and a high school sophomore. I live with my parents and two of my siblings - Rebecca who's seventeen(a junior in high school) and my younger brother Tyler who's thirteen(seventh grade). I also have two siblings who are out of the house. My older sister Carolina is nineteen and is a sophomore in college, and my older brother John is twenty-two and currently serving in Afghanistan right now. I miss him a lot, and it's been pretty rough without him. We're very close, so it's been hard not to have him around. Especially right now.
I have two best friends that I am extremely close to named Madison and Lauren. I can always count on them for everything, and they're pretty much my other halves(or thirds, I guess?).
Another very big thing in my life - About a week ago, I found out that I'm pregnant. This week of my life has been the hardest and longest week of my life. I have my very first doctors appointment tomorrow, and I'm five weeks. When I told my parents, they were very supportive and said that they would support me in anything I chose.
After a night of no sleep and A LOT of thinking, I decided to have an abortion. But this morning, when I was sitting there in that room waiting... I just could not go through with it. I kept thinking about how much I'd probably regret later and how I wouldn't feel proud of myself for not owning up to my mistake.
So I guess now I'm left with two choices - have the baby and raise it, or give it up for adoption.
I'm struggling so much with this choice, and I really wish I could talk to someone who understood. I wish I could talk to John. I mean, my friends and family are a lot of help but they can't make the choice for me, and they don't know what exactly it's like to be pregnant at fifteen with so much life ahead of you. I'm just really lost inside my own mind right now.
I guess I'll also explain my blog title - Scarlett's Dawn. Obviously Scarlett is my name. But Dawn - the sunrise - is something I'm identifying with. It happens every day, regardless of anyone's circumstances. It's unstoppable. Even on cloudy days, it's beautiful. No matter if you're on the beach or in the middle of a busy city, if you look hard enough, you can see it's beauty. Life is like that. It happens no matter what you do. There is always beauty in it. I'm trying to look at everything with that perspective - and though it's incredibly hard to do so, I think I can do it if I just look hard enough.