Los Años Viejos

This is a Hispanic tradition of burning dolls at midnight to burn away all the bad things that happened in the past year.
My family has altered it a bit, burning small paper dolls we make and writing all of our regrets, things that made us sad this year, etc.
As I wrote on my doll, I thought of the obvious: Getting pregnant at 15. But as I started writing things, more and more came out until my doll was completely filled up.
Sometimes, you don't even realize all the mistakes and things you've done that you regret until you really take some time to think about it.
I regret;
Not following through. Criticizing myself for my weight, my looks - when I really don't need to. Being jealous. Not working hard enough on my grades. Not believing in myself. Dishing things that I can't take. Lies. Death. All those shoulda-coulda-wouldas. Over-thinking things. Not trusting people I should trust. Chances missed, and forgotten promises. The end to our football season. Saying things to him that I know aren't true. Losing faith and not trusting fully in God when I know I should. Doubts.

And so by recognizing all these things I wish would have happened differently in 2010, I am fully committed to changing that so that I don't have these same regrets this time next year.

2011's resolutions;
1. Eat healthier and exercise more - just to become healthier - I don't really need to lose weight or anything.
2. Work hard with grades. I really really need to do that.
3. To make the right choice as a mother - whether that be to keep this baby and raise it or to give it to a family that will give it everything it ever wanted.
4. Reach out to others and be that person that everyone can come to for help.
5. Make time for God every day. I always say I will, but I don't end up actually doing it. I need to take time every day to walk and talk with God.

Hopefully this year will be the best. I know it definitely won't be the easiest, but I think that with some hard work and a little bit of luck, it can still be great.

The Beginning.

I guess I'll begin by telling you about myself. My name is Scarlett Avalyn K. I'm fifteen years old and a high school sophomore. I live with my parents and two of my siblings - Rebecca who's seventeen(a junior in high school) and my younger brother Tyler who's thirteen(seventh grade). I also have two siblings who are out of the house. My older sister Carolina is nineteen and is a sophomore in college, and my older brother John is twenty-two and currently serving in Afghanistan right now. I miss him a lot, and it's been pretty rough without him. We're very close, so it's been hard not to have him around. Especially right now.
I have two best friends that I am extremely close to named Madison and Lauren. I can always count on them for everything, and they're pretty much my other halves(or thirds, I guess?).
Another very big thing in my life - About a week ago, I found out that I'm pregnant. This week of my life has been the hardest and longest week of my life. I have my very first doctors appointment tomorrow, and I'm five weeks. When I told my parents, they were very supportive and said that they would support me in anything I chose.
After a night of no sleep and A LOT of thinking, I decided to have an abortion. But this morning, when I was sitting there in that room waiting... I just could not go through with it. I kept thinking about how much I'd probably regret later and how I wouldn't feel proud of myself for not owning up to my mistake.
So I guess now I'm left with two choices - have the baby and raise it, or give it up for adoption.
I'm struggling so much with this choice, and I really wish I could talk to someone who understood. I wish I could talk to John. I mean, my friends and family are a lot of help but they can't make the choice for me, and they don't know what exactly it's like to be pregnant at fifteen with so much life ahead of you. I'm just really lost inside my own mind right now.
I guess I'll also explain my blog title - Scarlett's Dawn. Obviously Scarlett is my name. But Dawn - the sunrise - is something I'm identifying with. It happens every day, regardless of anyone's circumstances. It's unstoppable. Even on cloudy days, it's beautiful. No matter if you're on the beach or in the middle of a busy city, if you look hard enough, you can see it's beauty. Life is like that. It happens no matter what you do. There is always beauty in it. I'm trying to look at everything with that perspective - and though it's incredibly hard to do so, I think I can do it if I just look hard enough.